


all these people say love’s for show (but i would die for you in secret)

by dahyuns



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: 2yeon but also tzuyu centric?, Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Secret Relationship, a bit of a mess honestly, some datzu too!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:08:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25641100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dahyuns/pseuds/dahyuns
Summary: tzuyu goes to america in search of her parent’s approval. she doesn’t expect to find a new meaning for love there instead.(or nayeon and jeongyeon’s relationship through the eyes of international student chou tzuyu)
Relationships: Chou Tzuyu/Kim Dahyun, Im Nayeon/Yoo Jeongyeon
Comments: 5
Kudos: 127





	all these people say love’s for show (but i would die for you in secret)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sajiko](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sajiko/gifts).



> very loosely inspired by taylor swift’s album folklore

Tzuyu was going to show her parents that she could do it. She was tired of being the black sheep of her family, always hidden in the shadow of her older brother. She really was going to do it this time. Tzuyu was going to succeed.

More than anything, she was finally going to become the daughter that they had always expected her to be.

Lucky for her, a life long plan to prove it was finally coming into fruition: Tzuyu was finally headed to America for college.

Everything was about to change for the better.

Gone would be Tzuyu of the past—helpless, naïve little Tzuyu who spent too much time frolicking and chasing after dreams and ideas that were looked down on. 

In would be Chou Tzuyu, the darling daughter of the Chou family. She would be the one that her mother bragged about to her relatives in Taiwan. She would be the cousin that everyone envied for her achievements, the poster child for success.

She could see it now.

“You need to be as successful as Tzuyu,” her aunts would say to their children over the dinner table. “Tzuyu got into the top university in America and became a veterinarian.”

She would finally be able to wear her last name with her head held high.

“Remember what we discussed before,” her mother reminded her as they stood at the airport terminal, waiting for her gate number to be called. “No more silly little mistakes anymore, Tzuyu.”

She clenched her fist, digging her fingernails into her palm. She didn’t want to think of what had happened when she had made some “silly little mistakes” last year. 

Tzuyu felt nauseous. Her stomach twisted. She reached up to press her fingers to her lips. They ached.

You’re just confused, Tzuyu. You don’t know what you want.

“I will, Mom,” she nodded, heart pounding. “I promise.”

This year, she would finally become someone that her parents were proud of. Nothing was going to get in the way of that, she was sure.

(Only she hadn’t known about Nayeon and Jeongyeon back then).

-

On her first day into the university, it was safe to say that Tzuyu had been absolutely terrified. She was eighteen years old, and for the first time in her life, she was completely alone. 

There were no parents waiting for her to return from school, or her dog Gucci ready to cuddle and play with her anymore. There was just her—a girl all by herself in a country that didn’t feel like home. 

It wasn’t home.

It was hard, but at least some things made it a little more bearable.

As an international student from Taiwan, she’d been put into a transition program to help her adjust to attending university in America. 

“Just so that you feel more welcomed here,” the admissions office had told her when she had questioned them about her placement.

As a member of the program, Tzuyu was expected to meet with her counselors and advisors to help her “better assimilate” into the “wonderful, diverse environment of Twice University”. Considering that every advisor she had seen were all white and male, she highly doubted that statement.

Nevertheless, there was one section of the program that Tzuyu was relieved to be a part of. As an international student, she had been assigned an upperclassmen mentor to room with for the year. 

Tzuyu was glad for that. The thought of having to find her own roommate on her own had honestly terrified her.

This way at least, she knew that whoever she was assigned to had at least agreed to room with her, and hadn’t just been forced into a pity arrangement by the freshman rooming policies.

She wasn’t sure what she had been expecting when she filled out the short questionnaire for matching her with her mentor—but whatever it was, it definitely wasn’t anything close to Im Nayeon.

Im Nayeon was three years older than Tzuyu, and a senior majoring in film at the university. 

At first glance, she hadn’t understood why the two of them had been matched together. After all, Tzuyu was a veterinary major—nothing even close to the arts.

When she actually meets Nayeon though, Tzuyu thinks she understands it a little better. 

Like Tzuyu, Nayeon hadn’t been born in America.

“My parents and I came over from Korea back when I was still in elementary school,” Nayeon had explained. 

It had been a little reassuring to hear.

Still that information, along with the fact that Nayeon is probably one of the prettiest people Tzuyu thinks she’s ever seen when she meets her in person—well, all of it had been extremely intimidating to say the least.

Ironically though, despite her beauty, nothing about Nayeon was outwardly terrifying. With her bunny-like front teeth and her affinity for wearing oversized hoodies around their dorm, it was easy to see why people might be flabbergasted to find out that Tzuyu was still a little on edge around the older girl.

She can’t say she understands her own reasoning fully either, because when Tzuyu finally meets her, she realized that Nayeon’s also one of the nicest people she’s talked to so far during her time abroad.

Unlike what Tzuyu had expected from watching American movies, Nayeon hadn’t been mean or rude at all when they met. 

She had even seemed genuinely interested in Tzuyu’s life when they had emailed for the first time to set up their living arrangements together for the year. She had asked questions about Tzuyu’s life back in Taiwan, and had made sure to communicate with Tzuyu to make sure that living together would be comfortable for the both of them. 

In fact, when Tzuyu had greeted Nayeon for the first time on move-in day, voice shaky and unsure, Nayeon had treated her like they were already friends. She hadn’t giggled at Tzuyu’s heavy accent like others sometimes did, or gotten angry when Tzuyu didn’t understand a statement quickly enough. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Nayeon would say when Tzuyu couldn’t seem to find the right words to explain her thoughts.

It was comforting.

So rather than her fear of Nayeon being a horrible person, Tzuyu thinks her residual uneasiness has something to do with the fact that her and Nayeon are just so different.

Case in point: 

The first week after Tzuyu had moved into the dorms, she had isolated herself in their apartment the whole week and hadn’t come out unless it was to go to class or study in the library.

Meanwhile, during that same time, Nayeon had already made sure to befriend half of the people on Tzuyu’s floor. It was effortless for her. 

Nayeon was easygoing and talkative, and always seemed to know just what to say in a conversation. 

In that way, she was the opposite of Tzuyu, who was barely able to fumble her way through speaking English without stumbling over her words and embarrassing herself. 

She would be lying if she said that she didn’t envy her for that.

After all, Nayeon seemed to be perfect in every aspect compared to Tzuyu.

-

Well, except for one thing.

For all Tzuyu liked to claim that they were polar opposites, there was one so-called “flaw” that her and Nayeon had in common.

Like Tzuyu, Nayeon didn’t have a boyfriend.

When the older girl had told her that little detail over breakfast one morning, Tzuyu almost couldn’t believe it.

How could Nayeon of all people be single?

“I don’t date,” Nayeon had said simply upon seeing Tzuyu’s obviously surprised expression. “Personally, if we’re being honest, I think that every boy at this university is really just too boring for me.”

Tzuyu had stared at her then, at a loss for words.

“Boring?” she had marveled, wide-eyed and mouth parted.

After all, one of the boys she had seen ask Nayeon out before had been a nationally ranked athlete who was predicted to go professional in a few years.

Another had been a super rich international student from Japan, who was set to inherit his father’s multimillion dollar company, at least according to some gossip Tzuyu had overheard in class. 

One had even been a magician.

If people like that weren’t interesting enough for Nayeon, then who was? Tzuyu had wondered.

-

Thinking back to it now though, it was true that Tzuyu had never seen Nayeon bring a boy to their dorm before. In fact, she doesn’t think she’s ever even seen Nayeon give any of her admirers more than a brief smile or half-hearted chuckle outside of class.

And Nayeon had a lot of admirers. So many, in fact, that others in their university were often jealous of the girl.

“Why are guys so obsessed with Im Nayeon anyways?” girls in her classes would scoff when Nayeon came up in a conversation. “It’s not fair. She doesn’t even give most of them the time of day.”

It was funny, Tzuyu thought.

Though Nayeon loved to ramble about everything from her dog Kookeu to her list of favorite restaurants at the moment, she never seemed to talk about anything related to her self-declared nonexistent love life. Not a single boy’s name or complaint of being single was ever uttered during her many rants about school or parties.

So when she sees Nayeon giggling over the phone one day after classes, an almost starstruck look on her face and a bouquet of pink tulips in her hand, it’s safe to say Tzuyu’s a little more than intrigued. 

-

Tzuyu had just returned from her afternoon class when she had spotted Nayeon in their living room next to a huge arrangement of pink tulips on their dining table.

“You’re ridiculous,” Nayeon was laughing on her phone from her position on their couch, her legs sprawled out and phone propped up against the armrest. “I can’t believe you sent them here, baby,” she said as she spoke to the other person on the line.

Tzuyu closed the front door quietly, careful not to make too much noise and disturb Nayeon.

Her efforts were futile as Nayeon noticed Tzuyu’s presence almost immediately. It didn’t really matter though. Nayeon only raised her hand, giving off a tiny wave before pressing her ear close once more to her device. 

“Yeah?” Nayeon had begun to bite her lip now as she spoke. “You know you didn’t have to...”

Tzuyu watched for the next few minutes as Nayeon continued to chuckle and whisper to her mystery caller.

She must have been really focused on her conversation, Tzuyu thought as she watched the older girl furrow her eyebrows together. She wondered what she was talking about.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound.

Nayeon glanced at her watch, eyes widening at the flashing alarm that now flickered across the screen. She seemed startled. “I have to go now,” she groaned, glancing at the time. “I completely forgot that I have a class soon.”

Her voice was hushed as she spoke again. There was a gentleness to it that hadn’t been there before. “You know I do too. I’ll miss you,” Nayeon closed her eyes briefly, almost as if she were savoring the moment of her confession.

Finally, Tzuyu watched as she clicked her phone off.

Nayeon was still sitting there, eyes shining with mirth. Unable to resist her curiosity, Tzuyu decided to break the silence.

“Those are really pretty, Nayeon,” Tzuyu commented, pointing at the tulips on the table after Nayeon had hung up the phone. “Where’d you get them from?”

She was definitely a little nosy. Nayeon usually didn’t accept gifts from others, let alone bouquets of flowers.

Nayeon’s cheeks pinked slightly at the question. “My mom sent them as a surprise,” she said.

“That’s sweet,” Tzuyu said. It was nice that Nayeon’s mom did nice gestures like that for her. Tzuyu knew that the only thing her mom would have sent her would have just been more demands.

Tzuyu doesn’t know it then, but those pink tulips were about to become the catalyst to something life-changing.

-

It all really begins on the Saturday that Tzuyu meets Yoo Jeongyeon for the first time.

She had been sitting on her bed and packing her bag when Nayeon knocks on her door and brings the topic of her best friend up for the first time.

“Hi,” Nayeon said, standing awkwardly in the frame of Tzuyu’s bedroom door.

“Hello,” Tzuyu said back. It was unusual for Nayeon to come to her room so early in the morning on a Saturday. Usually, the older girl liked to sleep in on the weekends and stay in her pajamas until noon.

Today though, Nayeon was dressed casually in a t-shirt and shorts, and there was a backpack slung across her shoulders. Not exactly what you would call pajama wear.

“Are you going somewhere?” Tzuyu asked, interest piqued.

Nayeon nodded, although she seemed hesitant. “Actually, I was wondering if I could talk to you about something before I leave.”

For some reason, Nayeon was nervous. She kept fidgeting back and forth, tugging repeatedly on the straps of her backpack as she talked. Frankly, it was a little unnerving for Tzuyu to see.

“I know this is a little last minute, but would it be okay if I had a friend stay over for the weekend? I swear they’ll stay in my room and won’t get in your way.”

“Like a boy?” she asked. Tzuyu had heard of girls on their floor bringing their boyfriends and hookups back to their dorms to “stay over for the night” as friends. She wasn’t sure if Nayeon had meant that. 

Picking up on double meanings was hard for Tzuyu to understand sometimes.

Nayeon stepped back like she had been struck. “God, no.” She shuddered. “My friend from high school, Jeongyeon.”

“Oh,” Tzuyu blushed, her cheeks flushing. She didn’t know why she had assumed something like that. Of course Nayeon had meant that just a friend was coming over. “That’s okay then.”

Nayeon let out a quiet exhale, finally loosening her hold on her backpack straps. “Thanks, Tzuyu. You’re the best.”

-

After Nayeon had left, Tzuyu decided that she was going to go to the library.

Every weekend since the semester started, Tzuyu had liked to visit the campus’ library for a bit of study time. As much as she loved her dorm, the atmosphere there was anything but peaceful and quiet. 

College kids tended to be a little too boisterous for someone trying to write a paper.

And it was definitely a huge contrast to the library, where the only other people around were a couple of fellow students and the library assistant, Dahyun.

Tzuyu liked Dahyun. She always made sure to check up on Tzuyu when she visited the library. 

The first time that Tzuyu had been in here, she had helped her navigate her way through the many bookshelves and even helped her with some of her studying as well.

Dahyun wasn’t what Tzuyu had imagined someone working in a library to be like. Instead of being a mean, old librarian, she really kind and only a year older than Tzuyu. With her pale skin and hair the color of the sea, she was also insanely pretty. She was bright and friendly, and Tzuyu felt at ease talking to her.

“Hi Tzuyu,” Dahyun said, sliding over to Tzuyu’s table to greet the younger girl. “Studying again?”

“Yes,” Tzuyu gave a little nod. She had a presentation she needed to prepare for tomorrow.

Dahyun scooted over, leaning to look over Tzuyu’s shoulder to see her work. 

“Want some help?” she smiled.

Yeah, Dahyun was the best.

-

That night, like she had mentioned, Nayeon brings Jeongyeon back to their dorm to stay over.

Tzuyu had just finished eating dinner when the two of them stumble in through the door, giggling and bumping into each other as they squeezed inside.

They were drenched from head to toe, clothes soaked from the pouring rain outside. Nayeon groaned as she shivered from cold.

“Tzuyu,” she said, teeth chattering, “Meet Jeongyeon. Jeongyeon, Tzuyu.”

“Nice to meet you,” they both mumbled. 

“On that note, I’m going to go shower,” Nayeon said. “Have fun you two.”

Before she left, she gave a pointed look to Jeongyeon. “Be nice.”

Jeongyeon fluttered her eyelashes. “When am I ever not?”

Nayeon only snorted, shaking her head as she walked away.

It’s a little awkward after Nayeon leaves. Tzuyu doesn’t know what to say, and Jeongyeon doesn’t look like she really knows how carry a conversation that well either. 

“Do you go here too?” Tzuyu finally said, watching as Jeongyeon began to explore their living room.

Jeongyeon skimmed her hand along the living room cabinet where Tzuyu and Nayeon had stuck some of their family and childhood photos onto the shelf.

“No, I’m actually studying at a neighboring university,” she said. “Nayeon and I have known each other since we were kids though, so I like to come and bother her here sometimes.”

Jeongyeon bent down, peering to look at the photos more clearly. “Cute,” she whispered. She ran her thumb along the frame of a photo of a teenage Nayeon holding a white, fluffy dog. Her puppy Kookeu, Tzuyu recalled.

Jeongyeon laughed. “Not like you can tell though since it doesn’t seem like Nayeon likes to put any of our pictures together up here.” There was a tight smile on her face.

“Enough about me.” Jeongyeon stood up, brushing off her jeans.

“Tell me about yourself, Tzuyu.”

-

Tzuyu decides that she likes Jeongyeon.

After the initial awkwardness, Tzuyu really starts to enjoy talking and hanging out with her roommate’s friend.

And as the months go by, Nayeon and Jeongyeon quickly become some of Tzuyu’s closest friends. 

The three of them fall into a sort of routine—on weekends, Jeongyeon comes to visit their apartment. On those days, Tzuyu spends her time with the two girls having a lot of fun. Sometimes that they would sing karaoke until their throats hurt from screaming. Sometimes they would play Mario Kart together, shouting at the television as they raced across Rainbow Road. Other times, they would just sit there and talk.

She loves it.

On this particular Saturday night, Jeongyeon had decided that she would perform her stand-up comedy routine for the two girls. 

“It’ll be great,” she said.

It was not.

If Nayeon’s humor was refined and witty, then Jeongyeon’s was most definitely something along the lines of slapstick comedy and tacky dad jokes.

Although Jeongyeon liked to advertise herself as being the funniest person ever, even Tzuyu had to admit that her jokes were absolutely terrible. 

“Come on Tzuyu,” Jeongyeon whined, jutting out her bottom lip. “Just admit that those jokes were funny.”

From the kitchen, Nayeon let out a loud cackle.

“See, Nayeon thinks that I’m funny!”

“No,” Nayeon hummed softly. Her voice is quiet—too quiet for Jeongyeon and Tzuyu to hear. “I just think that you’re cute, Yoo Jeongyeon.”

-

Tzuyu loves her friends.

Sometimes though, Tzuyu doesn’t understand the way that they act.

“Isn’t that a little much?” Tzuyu eyed the two girls, who were wrestling with each other on the sofa. Nayeon had pinned Jeongyeon’s arms above her head, and was now straddling her torso, face hovering only centimeters apart from Jeongyeon’s.

It looked a little too intimate. 

Tzuyu frowned.

People will get the wrong idea about you, Tzuyu, her mother’s voice rang in her head. Girls don’t act that way with their friends.

“What?” Nayeon turned her head.

“You know,” Tzuyu gestured. “Touching each other like that. People might get the wrong idea.”

Nayeon stiffened in Jeongyeon’s arms. There was a flash of panic on her face. She threw Jeongyeon’s arms off of her. In the next second, Jeongyeon went tumbling to the floor.

Nayeon stood up. “I need to leave,” she said. Her voice was shaky, and her eyes kept darting around the room. She wrung her hands together.

“Nayeon,” Jeongyeon said, standing up to reach for the other girl. “It’s okay.”

But Nayeon had already fled, front door slamming behind her as she rushed out.

Jeongyeon looked apologetically at Tzuyu. 

“Sorry,” she said, before she left to chase after the other girl.

Tzuyu blinked. What had just happened?

-

She confides in Dahyun about it later.

“I don’t know what I did wrong,” Tzuyu said, laying her head against her textbook. “Don’t you think that it’s just a little weird too? I don’t know why Nayeon freaked out like that.”

Dahyun’s expression was unreadable. She looked like she wanted to say something, but then she just lets out a noncommittal noise.

“It’s not weird,” Dahyun said. She seemed to be choosing her words carefully. “I think it’s just a little different from what you’re used to Tzu. That’s not a bad thing.”

Maybe it wasn’t.  
-

“Nayeon?” Tzuyu called out after she had returned from the library. “Are you home?”

There was no answer. Tzuyu sighed. It was as she had expected. An empty house. She must have still been upset. Tzuyu wish she could apologize.

It wasn’t until midnight when someone else came home. Tzuyu had fallen asleep on the couch while watching television in the living room, with an old rerun of The Simpsons playing in the background.

She heard the click of a key in the front door, and the sound of footfall filled the air. Someone had entered the apartment, and they seemed to be coming towards her.

The sound of footsteps got louder, and louder, until they were so close that Tzuyu could almost feel someone hovering over her. There was the sound of rustling as the person seemed to stumble around the couch in search of something. And then—

“Come back here, you might wake Tzuyu up,” someone whispered through the dark. “Let’s just go to bed, baby.” It was Nayeon. 

And apparently, she had company. Baby? Tzuyu frowned. Nayeon wasn’t the type to throw around pet names in conversation unless she had a very close relationship to the person. In fact, Tzuyu didn’t think she had ever heard her roommate call someone that before. With the way she was saying it so easily, it made Tzuyu wonder. 

Before she could sit up to question her roommate and her mystery companion, the footsteps had already begun to walk away, receding down the hallway into Nayeon’s bedroom.

Too exhausted to worry about Nayeon’s late-night activities further, Tzuyu’s eyes drooped closed as the night took her once more.

When morning comes again, the mystery companion is gone, and Nayeon is back to normal.

Tzuyu never gets to apologize to Nayeon, but she thinks that the other girl has probably forgotten about yesterday. Nayeon had never brought what happened up.

(She doesn’t realize that Nayeon and Jeongyeon never touch like that in front of her again).

-

“Hey, aren’t those your friends?”

It was a Sunday, and Dahyun had invited Tzuyu to go to the movies with her and her friend Chaeyoung after Tzuyu’s usual study session at the library.

“It’ll be fun,” Dahyun had said. 

Tzuyu had agreed. Maybe seeing a movie would be fun.

It was not fun.

Because there in front of her, a few rows ahead, were Nayeon and Jeongyeon. Which under normal circumstances, wouldn’t have fazed Tzuyu at all.

And it wouldn’t have now either, if it weren’t for the fact that the two of them were now kissing in front of her.

“Oh,” she breathed out, watching as the two locked lips in front of the screen. Tzuyu felt like she had walked into something she wasn’t meant to see. “Yes, that’s them.”

“Are they dating?” Dahyun clapped her hands together. “That’s so cute.”

“Um,” Tzuyu blanched. Dating? That couldn’t be right. Tzuyu stared at the two again, squinting. They must have mistaken Nayeon and Jeongyeon with someone else.

One of the girls laughed. Tzuyu felt her stomach lurch. She knew that loud cackle from anywhere. In fact, she had heard it just last night, when Nayeon had been watching a TV show with Tzuyu.

“That’s ridiculous,” she remembered the girl clutching her stomach as one of the characters said their lines. She had let out that same laugh then too. 

Tzuyu’s head spun.

“I didn’t know that Nayeon had a girlfriend,” Chaeyoung commented. “Although, now a lot of things are suddenly making sense.”

“Yeah,” Tzuyu said dazedly. She watched as Nayeon seemed to pout at Jeongyeon and whine teasingly, pointing at her lips. “I didn’t know that either.”

“Good for her,” Chaeyoung said, reaching her hand across the armrest to dig her hand into Dahyun’s popcorn bucket. “Boys are crummy anyways.”

Dahyun and Chaeyoung laughed, and then the conversation was over.

Tzuyu on the other hand, remained completely still. She couldn’t take her eyes off of the two girls wrapped around each other in the front of the theatre.

-

That night, Tzuyu doesn’t get any sleep. She lies awake in bed instead, staring at the white ceiling of her room.. 

Tzuyu had never been friends with anyone who was gay before. 

It had been so obvious, she realized. 

The late night visits, the secretive gifts, the intimate photographs together at Nayeon’s home. The way they would talk to each other—all soft and mushy. The way they draped across each other when they thought no one else was looking.

It made her feel queasy. Things weren’t supposed to be like that. They were only going to end up hurting themselves in the end.

Growing up, her family had always said that talking about your differences were a weakness. Her mother had instilled in her the belief that family image was most important—no matter the cost.

It was so selfish of them to burden everyone in their family like that.

“Remember what matters most,” her mother would say.

Struggles and differences were meant to be kept hidden away.

So like a true Chou, Tzuyu never mentions what she saw in the theater that day.

And Nayeon and Jeongyeon become just another unspoken secret in Tzuyu’s life. She hates it.

She loves her friends, but she wishes that they would just break up. It was better for them. She knew it.

-

It all comes crashing down when Nayeon invites Tzuyu to see her premiere of the short film she had directed for her class.

“Is Jeongyeon not coming tonight too? I thought we were all supposed to go watch your short film together this weekend,” Tzuyu said. 

The atmosphere in the car shifted. There was a sudden awkwardness that filled the air. Tzuyu felt like she had done something wrong, but she didn’t know what.

Nayeon’s face hardened. Her hands gripped the steering wheel tightly. “There’s been a change of plans,” she said.

“Did something come up?”

“Something like that,” Nayeon huffed, and that was the end of it.

-

Nayeon’s film had been absolutely breathtaking. She should have been happy with the premiere. It was supposed to have been the perfect night. It would have been.

But Jeongyeon had not been there.

-

She wakes up to the sound of shouting.

Tzuyu peered through the crack of her bedroom door. Nayeon was in the living room, pacing back and forth in front of their kitchen counter. Her lips were taut and there was a frown on her face. 

“It’s not even like you can come to the next show anyways,” Nayeon was saying through the phone. “So why does it matter if I tell you now, Jeongyeon?”

“Because it matters to me, Nayeon,” Jeongyeon said.

Nayeon let out a dry chuckle.

“Right.”

“I really tried to come Nayeon, you know that.”

“Like how hard you tried when you ditched our date night to go partying with that girl from your class who always flirts with you? Or do you mean like just now when you left me looking like a desperate girl on premiere night?”

“That’s not fair. You know it wasn’t like that,” Tzuyu heard Jeongyeon say. Her tone is rough and forceful. Tzuyu had never heard her speak like that before.

“Do I? We hardly see each other these days,” Nayeon said. “Sometimes I feel like we just don’t connect the same as we used to. I’m so tired, Jeongyeon. I don’t know if I can do this anymore.”

And with that, Nayeon shut off her phone.

-

Jeongyeon stops coming to the dorms after that.

Tzuyu tries not to think about the reason why.

Nayeon doesn’t mention her sudden absence, and Tzuyu never asks again, but it’s obvious that they both can feel the Jeongyeon-sized hole in the apartment.

Instead of Saturday nights full of singing karaoke and playing games with her friends, the dorms nowadays is eerily quiet.

Nayeon cries late at night when she thinks Tzuyu has already gone to sleep. Her muffled sobs echo throughout their apartment, wails ricocheting against the too thin plaster walls.

Tzuyu forces herself to act like she doesn’t hear it. She hates it. Hates the voice in her head telling that she’s wrong for ignoring it.

This was what she had wanted. What her mother had taught her was right.

She was just looking out for her friends.

So why does Tzuyu feel more unlike a Chou than ever?

-

She doesn’t know what to do.

“Tzuyu?” Dahyun called out, waving her hands in front of the girl’s face. “Is everything okay?”

Tzuyu jerked. She looked around the library. Everyone else was gone by now. Only Dahyun remained, and she was looking at Tzuyu, eyes full of concern. 

Tzuyu blinked, disoriented. She must have spaced out and lost track of time.

She opens her mouth to reply that she’s fine—but looking at Dahyun, her eyes full of worry—Tzuyu feels herself break. The weight of it all is becoming too much.

Before she knows it, she’s begun to cry. Tzuyu doesn’t think she can keep the guilt eating her up a secret anymore.

Tzuyu tells her everything. About how she had wished that her friends would break up. About the way that she had left Nayeon crying alone, thinking that it was for the best. Dahyun sits there quietly, listening.

“Am I a bad person, Dahyun?” she says when she finishes.

“I don’t think you’re bad, Tzuyu,” Dahyun stared at her softly. There’s a look of pity that flashes across her face. “Maybe a shitty friend, sure, but you’re not a bad person.”

“How do you know that? You can’t possibly understand.” Tzuyu doesn’t mean to snap at Dahyun, but she can’t help it. Of course she was horrible. Why couldn’t Dahyun see that?

“Tzuyu,” Dahyun said, reaching out to hold her hand. “I’m gay too.”

“Oh,” she whispered. Tzuyu’s heart raced. She felt even more awful now.

Almost like she had sensed this, Dahyun rubbed her thumb against Tzuyu’s palm slowly. 

“When I was younger, I had a really hard time understanding it at first too,” Dahyun hung her head low. “For the longest time, I always thought that there was just one way of living life, you know? Just one sort of love that existed in the world.”

She let out a sigh. “When I moved out from my parents, I realized how wrong I had been.”

“There’s so many types of love out there for us, Tzuyu,” Dahyun’s eyes glistened. “Family love. Friend love. Romantic love.”

“I realized that love didn’t always have to be from where I had been raised to think it was supposed to come from. I didn’t need to look for love in the places I thought I should have been looking.”

“I didn’t have to sacrifice one type of love for the other. I could have it all. I deserved to have it all.”

Dahyun gazed at her. “You deserve to have it all too, Tzuyu. Be brave.”

Something in her look is knowing. Tzuyu shifts a little from the uneasiness it gives her. Dahyun didn’t know. She couldn’t have.

She yanked her hand from Dahyun. “I don’t know what you mean.”

Dahyun just shakes her head, letting out a short chuckle. It was like she had been expecting Tzuyu to say that.

“Talk to your friends, Tzuyu. It’ll be okay.” 

Dahyun paused, reaching out to scribble something on a sticky note next to her.

“And just know that if you want to talk more about this—or anything,” she pressed the piece of paper into Tzuyu’s hand. “I’m always just a phone call away. Please remember that.”

-

The next time that Nayeon cries, Tzuyu finally builds up the courage to knock on her bedroom door.

“Nayeon, please talk to me,” Tzuyu pleaded. “Did something happen with your friendship with Jeongyeon? Whatever it is, let me help you fix it.”

When there’s no answer, Tzuyu decides to barge in anyways. She wasn’t going to let Nayeon mope by herself any longer.

When she finally spots the girl lying on the bed, eyes swollen and looking absolutely terrible, her heart hurts.

Tzuyu had always thought that Nayeon was the most confident girl she had ever met. She had envied her for her perfect life, for her natural charm and seemingly easy lifestyle.

Looking at Nayeon now, Tzuyu realized how wrong she had been about the other girl.

Maybe it was true that Nayeon didn’t stumble over her words like Tzuyu did. Maybe it was true that she didn’t need to worry about making friends because of her accent or have to stay up every night trying to understand difficult texts in English like Tzuyu did.

But the look in Nayeon’s eyes now—Tzuyu knew that look.

It was the look she saw in the reflection of the bathroom mirror as she practiced for her class presentations at midnight, heart pounding and palms sweating with anxiety.

It was the look she saw in her older brother’s eyes as her parents lectured them on becoming successful in America—on how disgracing the family was not an option.

It was the look had seen in her friend Elkie’s eyes when Tzuyu had told her that she couldn’t see her anymore. When she had told her that what they were doing was wrong.

It was a look of fear—a look of desperation and longing. Of a want to belong and fit in.

“Jeongyeon and I aren’t just friends, Tzuyu,” Nayeon exhaled. She hung her head low, eyes pressed tightly shut. “We haven’t been for a long time.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I love Jeongyeon, Tzuyu,” Nayeon said then. She raised her head to look at Tzuyu once more. Her eyes began to well with tears. “And not in a friendly kind of way.”

“Then in what kind of way?” Tzuyu felt almost silly for asking, but she felt like she needed to hear Nayeon say it. Just this once.

Nayeon twisted her hands. She was quiet for a long time. 

“In a ‘I want to spend every day of the rest of my life with you’ way.” She paused. “A ‘I would marry you tomorrow if I could’ kind of way, Tzuyu.”

It was silent then.

Tzuyu froze. Though she had already known, it was different to hear it out loud. To hear it from Nayeon.

There were so many things she wanted to say—so many words of reassurance and whispers of understanding.

I understand now, Nayeon. It doesn’t change how much I love you and Jeongyeon. 

And one she’s scared to admit.

I think I might be falling in love with a girl too.

But Tzuyu is not good with words or expressing her emotions. So she says what comes to mind first. 

“Thank you for being my friend, Nayeon,” she said. Tzuyu wrapped her arms around the other girl.

Knowing Nayeon, she’d understand.

A lot of times, Tzuyu never said much about how she felt. Sometimes, she was a complete enigma to Nayeon.

This time though, Nayeon understood her perfectly.

“I love you too, Tzuyu,” Nayeon smiled, pressing a quick kiss to Tzuyu’s cheek despite the other girl’s tiny grumbles. “Thank you for everything.”

-

Two days later, Jeongyeon knocks on their door.

“Nayeon, please open up,” the girl called out, knocking even harder on the wood this time.

“She doesn’t want to talk,” Tzuyu said apologetically as she cracked open the door to talk to Jeongyeon.

“Please,” Jeongyeon jammed her hand between the door frame before Tzuyu could close it. “Can you at least tell her that I just want to talk to her?“

Tzuyu nodded.

Nayeon doesn’t take the news so well.

“We both said and did a lot of hurtful things to each other, Tzuyu. Like really terrible things. I’m ashamed to face her.”

“It’s okay to be scared, Nayeon,” Tzuyu breathed. “Someone once told me that sometimes being scared of something is okay as long as we face it. Because being scared means that we care. Sometimes we say things that we don’t mean because of it, and we can’t take that back. But we can learn from it.” 

Tzuyu held her hand out to Nayeon. “So be brave, Nayeon.”

Nayeon stood up, taking in a deep breath as she walked to stand in front of their front door. With trembling hands, she twisted the knob.

Jeongyeon was leaning against the wall of the hallway, eyes closed and hands folded in her lap. When she heard the door open, she sprung to her feet immediately.

“Can we talk?”

-

Tzuyu had retreated to her room in order to give the two of them some space. She knew she shouldn’t have been spying on her friends now, but she didn’t think that she could sit here and pretend like she wasn’t worried about her friends anymore. Doing that once already had been enough. 

She needed to know that they would both be okay.

Tzuyu peered through the crack of her bedroom door once again.

Outside, Jeongyeon and Nayeon were sitting on the couch, still not saying anything.

“I’m sorry for what I said,” Nayeon broke the silence. “I don’t want to fight anymore.”

“I’m always sorry to you too,” Jeongyeon said. “I don’t want to fight anymore either. But you know we can’t just let this go. Not this time, Nayeon.”

Tzuyu felt her heart drop.

“Please tell me that you’re not saying what I think you’re saying.” Nayeon raised her head. Even from here, Tzuyu could tell her eyes had begun to fill with tears.

“Nayeon...” 

“I know you don’t believe that.” Nayeon reached towards Jeongyeon, but the other girl had pushed her hand back before she could come any closer. 

Jeongyeon let out a shuddering breath. She shook her head. No, she was saying.

“You know it would be so much easier for the both of us, Nayeon. No more hurting on the weeks we don’t get to see each other. No more missed messages or staring at blank screens waiting for the other to call.”

“That doesn’t matter,” Nayeon jerked forward, gripping Jeongyeon’s arm in her own. This time, Jeongyeon didn’t even bother to resist.

“Doesn’t it though?” Jeongyeon pulled Nayeon closer then, interlacing her fingers with the other’s. She tilted Nayeon’s head up with her other hand to gaze at her once more, stroking her cheek gently.

Her fingers rubbed against the other girl’s jaw soothingly.

“You deserve someone who can be there for you every day of the week, Nayeon. Someone who can walk you to class in the mornings and who’s there to hold you at night. Someone who doesn’t just send you flowers for special occasions because they’re never around. And I can’t give you that.”

Jeongyeon began to cry then—an awful, sort of choked sound spilling from her mouth as she tried to contain her tears. It hurt to watch.

“I don’t want that,” Nayeon croaked, voice hoarse. She teetered forwards. “I want you.”

For a moment, they just stared at each other, 

Then, almost like in a movie scene, Tzuyu thought, the two of them embraced. 

Nayeon leaned in to press her lips to Jeongyeon’s, arms wrapping around the other girl’s torso in a tight hold. The two of them kissed then, eyelids fluttering shut as they slid their mouths together . It was beautiful.

Jeongyeon pulled back panting slightly, but leaned forward against to rest her forehead once more against Nayeon’s. “I’m so selfish,” she murmured. Her cheeks were wet, tears running in rivulets down her skin.

“You’re not.” Nayeon whispered, tucking her head into the crook of Jeongyeon’s neck. Her voice was muffled against the fabric of Jeongyeon’s sweater. “I don’t need any of that when I already have you. Don’t you understand that?”

She pressed herself even further into the other girl then, until the point where Tzuyu could no longer distinguish one from the other.

“I don’t need someone to walk me to class or be with me for every meal of the day when you already show me you love me every day, Jeongyeon. You never say it, but I know you’re always thinking of me too. For me that’s enough. That’s always been enough.”

“I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like it wasn’t.”

When they begin to kiss again, Tzuyu closes her door.

Nayeon and Jeongyeon were going to be just fine. 

-

For some reason, Tzuyu thinks of Dahyun that afternoon. Thinks of the little piece of paper sitting in her desk drawer, untouched. Thinks of the ten little digits she had memorized days before, after long nights of lying awake and just thinking.

She swallowed. She had known what she had wanted back then. She knew what she wanted now. Truthfully, it hadn’t ever been a secret. 

You deserve to have it all too.

“Be brave, Tzuyu,” she muttered. 

Hands shaking, she picked up her phone and dialed a number.

-

Dahyun picks up after the third ring.

“Hello?”

“Hello?” Tzuyu says. “Is this Dahyun?”

There was a laugh on the other end of the line.

“So I see you’ve finally decided to give me a call, Miss Chou.” 

Dahyun’s voice is light and airy over the phone as she giggles through the speaker. “I was beginning to think that you’d forgotten I existed,” she teased.

Tzuyu wants to disagree—she would never have forgotten about Dahyun. Before she can interject though, Dahyun speaks again. 

“How can I be of service, Tzu? Need another ear to talk to again? Or another study buddy session—”

Before Dahyun can say any more, Tzuyu blurts out a question.

-

After their rather eventful afternoon, Jeongyeon and Nayeon had settled down on the latter’s bed to relax. They lay together in the afternoon sun, cuddled up and basking like cats. Nayeon had fallen asleep, and was curled around Jeongyeon who was propped up against the headboard of the bed.

Lying like this together reminded Jeongyeon a lot of when they had both been children still. She ran her fingers through Nayeon’s locks, shifting so that the girl’s head now rest on her chest.

Nayeon stirred, turning her head slightly. “Stop fidgeting,” she murmured, lips brushing against the wool of Jeongyeon’s sweater. “It makes it harder to cuddle you.”

“Sorry, baby.”

Time had gone by so fast, Jeongyeon thought.

She had fallen in love with Nayeon at a time when the both of them had barely even known what love was. 

During the years that they had been together, their relationship had always been like a push and pull of the tide. They had experienced the highest of the highs together—that summer when they had both road tripped across the country together, worry-free and full of naïvety—and the lowest of lows—when they both had felt so hopeless, hundreds of miles away from each other and alone.

There had been painful times. Times where Jeongyeon felt like everything had disappeared. Times where the two of them hadn’t talked it out after a long fight for months. Times where she had really thought they were over for good.

Yet for every moment of hurt, there had been thousands of others that had been some of the best moments of Jeongyeon’s life. 

She remembers the butterflies in her stomach when she had kissed Nayeon for the first time in her too small twin bed during a sleepover back in high school. Remembers the absolute thrill when they had snuck onto their school’s rooftop to dance on prom night, tipsy on spiked fruit punch and drunk on their whispered confessions.

Remembers the late night drives they had both taken to each other’s colleges during their freshman year in college, all giddy and full of excitement. Remembers the times she had found Nayeon fast asleep in her bed after a long day of classes, looking like the precious thing she had ever seen.

Love was sometimes exhausting—but it was never not worth it, Jeongyeon thought.

Because for every moment that they had spent together—both good and bad—there had never been a moment where Jeongyeon had not loved her.

There had never been a time where she had thought of the girl with indifference in her heart.

She didn’t know what it was like anymore, to not love Nayeon in the way that she did. Jeongyeon didn’t want to know. For that reason, she knew she would always be too selfish to truly let go.

But she knew that if it somehow happened one day, as life was unpredictable and love even more so, she knew it wouldn’t matter.

They would find their way back to each other, as they always had before. She was sure of it.

Nayeon shifted again. Jeongyeon ran her fingers through her hair, lulling her back to sleep.

“I’m going to marry you one day Im Nayeon,” Jeongyeon pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Just you wait and see.”

-

“So do you ask every girl to go to the dog park with you or is it just me?” Dahyun hummed.

“Just you,” Tzuyu said to Dahyun, taking another lick of her vanilla ice cream cone that her and Dahyun had bought from the local stand in the park.

The two of them had settled down on a bench in the corner of the park, tucked away under the little trees that dotted the area. She watched as the dogs ran past them again, yipping and nudging each other as they played together on the grass.

Dahyun turned towards Tzuyu on the bench they were sitting on, a hint of a smile on her face. “Don’t lie, I bet you say that to all the girls you take here.”

Tzuyu inhaled. It was time she was brave like Nayeon too. 

“No, only you,” she repeated, louder and more confident this time.

Dahyun grinned, letting out a laugh as dug through her bag. 

Her backpack was really so Dahyun, Tzuyu thought. It was a pretty white color, and was decorated with various little rainbow pins on the side. There was even one of a pride flag. Tzuyu’s stomach churned.

“What are you thinking about in that pretty head of yours now?” Dahyun tapped Tzuyu’s forehead teasingly.

Tzuyu blushed.

“How much I like your pins,” she said, looking again at the tiny metal pins adorning Dahyun’s backpack as she searched through it. “They’re really pretty.”

“Yeah?” Dahyun giggled. She smiled brightly. “Want one?” She undid one of the rainbow pins, holding it up for Tzuyu to see.

Tzuyu’s stomach flipped. She nodded.

Dahyun scooted forward, tugging Tzuyu towards her. She pinned the tiny piece of metal onto Tzuyu’s denim jacket. “There,” she beamed, admiring her handiwork. “It looks perfect on you.”

Tzuyu glanced downwards at the multicolored pin, glimmering in the afternoon sunlight. It did look perfect.For once, there were no thoughts of her mother or family in her mind. It was just her and Dahyun, enjoying their time together in the park on a Sunday afternoon. She smiled.

She finally felt like Chou Tzuyu.

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to leave some feedback/constructive criticism if you want!


End file.
